


One Part Sugar:Two Parts Spice

by Spoonfulofhoney



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Baking, Boys Kissing, Bullying, Childhood Trauma, Christmas Cookies, Christmas Fluff, Developing Friendships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Injuries, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Alternating, POV Third Person, Psychological Trauma, Secret Crush, Secrets, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:04:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21890920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoonfulofhoney/pseuds/Spoonfulofhoney
Summary: There is more to people than what they seem. Sometimes, they keep a part of themselves hidden. For Juza, it's his love of sweets as well as a hopeless crush on a certain troupe member. For Banri, it's the loneliness he hides in front of others, and the pain of knowing he can't ever have what his heart truly wants. But, When Banri accidentally catches Juza baking, he and Juza must decide just how much of their true feelings they are willing to share with each other.
Relationships: Hyoudou Juuza/Settsu Banri
Comments: 14
Kudos: 195





	1. a curious mind

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that I have only played the North American release of the game.

Juza rolled over in bed and checked the number on his alarm clock. It was almost 1 am. He blinked as he peered through the dark, over to Banri's side of the room. He didn't see the glow of a screen that was the usual telltale sign he was still awake, so he figured he must be asleep. Which was great, it meant it was safe for him to go.

He slipped out from under his covers, and as silently as possible, he grabbed a sweatshirt, and he exited the room unheard. As he crept down the stairs, a giddy feeling arose inside him and his heart beat faster. He spotted the kitchen and hurried over, feeling the giddiness turn into excitement.

He entered the kitchen and flicked on the light. It was a dial light, so he quickly turned it down to dim, he didn't want anyone getting curious. He got out his supplies as soundlessly as he could and when he had everything he would need to begin, a calm settled over him. It was finally time.

He pulled the crumpled piece of paper out of his back pocket and carefully unfolded it. He smoothed the creases and studied the handwritten instructions inked neatly by Omi's hand, and he smiled to himself. Tonight, under the cover of darkness, and in secret, he would finally teach himself how to bake. And as he got started, a feeling of pure happiness filled him up, and his heart beat a steady rhythm inside his chest.

* * *

Banri, who had been unsuccessful in his attempts to fall asleep, had taken to staring at the wall in front of him. He was thinking of getting up and trying the hot milk and honey remedy the director was always talking about, when he heard movement in the room. At first, he just figured it was Juza turning over, but then he heard footsteps. Those were followed by what sounded like the ruffling of clothing and soon after that, the door creaked and shut with a soft click of the lock.

He thought it was a little strange for Hyodo to be up in the middle of the night, but giving more thought to it; he figured Hyodo had probably just gone to the bathroom, so he turned over and forgot about it.

Ten minutes passed, and Hyodo still hadn't returned, and Banri started to question whether or not he'd actually gone to the bathroom. But if he hadn't gone to pee, where did he go? Another five minutes ticked by and yet, still no sign of the guy. Banri was curious now. He debated staying in bed and letting it go; however, he was nowhere near tired and something in his brain told him to go and investigate. Hyodo was up to something, and he wanted to know what it was. 

He threw his covers off and got up. His bare feet connected with the cold floor, and he shivered. He quickly began searching for a hoodie to throw on. It was nearing late December, and the air had gotten a lot chillier in the past few weeks. He really needed to dress warmer. He found an old red hoodie and put it on, then he stuffed his feet into some nearby slippers, and strode out of the room.

The hallway was decorated here and there with Christmas lights, but none were turned on and Banri felt like a thief in the pitch-black darkness as he crept towards the bathroom. He would check if Hyodo was there, but not because he was worried or anything; he only wanted to see if he was in there. But, when he approached the room, the lights were off and the place was empty.

Okay, if Hyodo wasn't in there, where else could he be? He thought about it for a moment and figured that maybe Hyodo was also having trouble sleeping and had gone to the kitchen for hot milk and honey. It seemed a valid enough reason, so he headed in the kitchen's direction. 

He made it to the top of the stairs where, upon spotting Hyodo below, he paused. From his viewpoint, he could see down into the kitchen, however, the sole occupant of the kitchen right now could not see him, unless he were to look up and across the room. But even then he might not catch him because it was dark, and he was partially obscured by the railing that ran down the side of the staircase. The railing was also decorated with enough garland to help further protect him from view.

Banri was about to walk down the steps but something made him stop. He realized in an instant that Hyodo was definitely not down there just grabbing a mug of something hot, no, what he saw made him hesitate. And was that the scent of ginger? 

It was definitely Hyodo in the kitchen, but for a split second Banri almost didn't recognize him. He was wearing a black apron over a dark green sweatshirt. His hair was messy and fell in wavy strands into his eyes. From this distance, he couldn't make out his expression, but there was just something about the way he held himself that seemed different. He appeared more relaxed, less imposing.

Banri moved down a step and sat down. He peered through the rungs of the railing, past the main room and into the kitchen. It was odd, but there was no mistaking that Hyodo was baking. There were ingredients placed out neatly on the counter top as well as two mixing bowls and a bag of flour and there were dirty dishes in the sink. From the smell of ginger and cinnamon in the air, he guessed that he was making gingerbread cookies. Plus, there was the fact that gingerbread would fit the current holiday theme, not that Banri was particularly interested in Christmas.

He wanted to go down there, but he got the feeling that if he did, Hyodo would get really pissed and they'd probably end up fighting, and then the whole dorm would wake up, and they'd both be in serious trouble. He didn't want that, and besides; it was clear Hyodo was trying to keep this a secret. Personally he didn't think Hyodo needed to hide this side of himself, but he understood why he did. Baking didn't fit his image, but maybe that was why Banri was still watching him. Seeing him looking so relaxed wasn't bad. It was maybe even a little cute, not that he wanted to admit it. He never let thoughts like that linger too long, nothing would come of them, so he was content just to ignore them. At least that's what he told himself anyway.

He could've just gone back to bed where it was warm and in the morning he could've just pretended he had not seen anything, but for some reason he wasn't quite able to make himself leave. So he stayed, and he watched Hyodo measure ingredients and stir batter and roll out dough and the longer he observed him the more he began to realize that he had no idea who Hyodo really was.

He and Juza were in the same troupe; they acted and rehearsed together daily, hell they even performed opposite each other on stage and yet, until now, he hadn't really noticed that, in a way, Hyodo was like him. A tough guy who let nobody know what he was feeling, somebody who always hid whatever didn't fit with people's assumptions about them, somebody who put on a mask in front of others all the while hoping that one of them would see past it to the person underneath. That was how he himself sometimes felt and it was possible that Hyodo felt the same way. Why else would he be baking in secret

Hyodo was placing some brownish looking cookies onto a pan and Banri didn't really know anymore if it was right to see him like this. Maybe he should go back to bed after all. He knew that if it were the other way around, he wouldn't want Hyodo to see the things he kept private.

Quietly, he stood up. He was about to leave, but was startled by the sound of metal falling to the floor, then he heard Juza cry out in pain. He quickly looked down to see that the pan of cookies had fallen to the floor. Hyodo was clutching his hand and even from where he was, Banri could see that the back of his right hand was an angry red colour. He must have burned it. Hyodo wasn't moving; he was just standing there, cursing under his breath, and Banri was running before he could think about it. He scrambled down the stairs and burst into the kitchen. 

“Idiot, don't just stand there!” He called out, racing to the sink. He quickly turned the cold water on full blast and grabbed a stunned Juza by the wrist. He shoved his hand under the water and held it there.

“Ah... shit it hurts!” Juza exclaimed, he was looking down at his hand and he tried to yank it away but Banri tightened his grip and plunged it back under the running water. It splashed both of them, and soaked the sleeves of his hoodie, but he didn't let go.

He turned to look at Juza. “Yeah well you burned it didn't you, and then you just stared at it! Don't you know you gotta run it under cold water immediately?” he asked.

“Obviously not...” Juza said, grimacing.

Banri was surprised. He'd thought that was common knowledge. “Well now, you know.” he said, “Leave it under the water for at least five minutes.” he said, and he released his hold on Juza's wrist.

He went over to the light switch and turned the lights up brighter. Now he could see the state of Juza's hand better, and it didn't look pretty. He had taken a First Aid course once, and he knew that it would need more than water. “How did this even happen?” he asked Juza, who was looking at him as if he were a ghost or something. He'd have to explain his sudden appearance later.

Juza's eyes flicked over to the oven. “I went to put the cookies in the oven and somehow my hand hit the inside of the oven door. I think I tried to close it too fast.” he said, and Banri watched his eyes move down to take in the crumbly mess on the floor. He looked disappointed.

“You should've worn oven mitts dude,” he tried to sound casual, but looking at Juza's hand made him concerned, “but seriously, you have to be more careful... Autumn Troupe needs you in good condition.”

Juza met his eyes. He looked as if he didn't believe what he had just heard. Then his eyes narrowed, “Wait, why do you care and also, why are you up? I could've sworn you were asleep when I left.” he said.

Banri shrugged and crossed the kitchen. He closed the half-open oven and turned it off, and he picked up the pan and placed it in the sink before turning back to Juza. “I wasn't sleeping. I heard you get up and sneak out of the room. When you didn't come back, I got curious. I didn't think I’d find you down here baking cookies though.” he laughed, “That was a surprise.”

Juza narrowed his eyes. “ _Was_?”

Crap! He hadn't planned on telling Hyodo that he was here prior to right now. He was going to make up an excuse of wanting a glass of water or something but now...“I mean it _is_ a surprise. Cuz, I totally just found out, it wasn't like I watching you the whole time or anything...” he lied, and he quickly busied himself by picking the cookies off the floor.

“You were watching me?” Juza exclaimed.

There was something in his voice that Banri couldn't interpret. He sounded both angry and shocked and Banri wasn't sure if he should react by lying to make Hyodo feel better or if he should just tell him the truth. It would be weird to explain; however, if he was going to get Hyodo to open up to him, maybe now was the time to try it himself.

He discarded the last of the cookie mess into the waste bin before replying. “Well... maybe. But only because you looked so...,” he should just tell him how he felt, that seeing him baking was like seeing him in a different light, like seeing him for the first time or something. But he didn't really know how to describe to him how or why he felt like watching, why he had been incapable of looking away, “um, never mind...”

Juza gave him a questioning look, but Banri said nothing. Juza didn't pry, he just turned the water off, and he hissed when the air stung his burn. Banri eyed the red mark; it looked sore, and even though it hadn't been his fault, he felt a little guilty. If he had been down here earlier, he could've prevented it. Juza looked at him and his eyes were bright with pain and Banri quickly turned around and began searching the cupboards for a first aid kit; that burn would need to be cleaned and bandaged in order to heal properly.

“What are you looking for?” Juza asked, coming up behind him.

“The first aid kit. I need to bandage your hand so it won't get worse.” he answered.

He opened the top cupboard, but he still couldn't find it. He remembered Matsukawa mentioning they had one, so where was it? If he couldn't find it, Hyodo might have to go to the hospital and that would mean waking up someone with a car, and he didn't want that. Plus, he wanted to be the one to help. He could sense Juza behind him, watching him, and he was moving stuff around so desperately that he most likely looked like a crazy person.

“There it is, on the left by the mason jar,” Juza said calmly, his voice was right by Banri's ear, “I'll get it.”

“No wait-”

Banri felt a weight against his back as Juza pressed into him, reaching up over him to retrieve the kit. He was pushed into the counter, and he tried his best to ignore the warmth of Juza's body against his back. But Juza was so close and Banri could feel his muscles move when he rummaged around to get the kit free, and he wondered what it would feel like to be embraced by someone so strong; perhaps, it might make him feel a little less alone...

“Got it.” Juza said, and he pulled away, taking his warmth with him.

Banri spun around and found himself face-to-face with a pair of amber eyes. It startled him that Juza was still so close. He hadn't backed up yet and Banri quickly dropped his eyes to the box in his outstretched hand. He couldn't meet his gaze, not when certain thoughts were still racing around inside his head, not when Hyodo was close enough to reach out and touch; if only he had the nerve. But he didn't.

“Here.” Juza said, pushing the box at him.

Banri let his fingers brush against Juza's hand when he took the kit from him. That was all he had the courage to do. Even so, just the feel of his skin was enough to make his heart race.

“Uh, thanks.” he mumbled. He hoped he wasn't being obvious, but he doubted Juza was smart enough to notice things like the heat in his cheeks. At least he hoped he was, it would get really awkward if Hyodo knew he was thinking such things about him.

Juza stepped back and after a moment, Banri managed to get his head back in the game. This wasn't the time for thoughts like that anyway, he needed to focus and help Hyodo, who was now studying the burn on his hand with a sad sort of look on his face.

“I know how to bandage it properly so don't worry, I've also done it on myself once or twice. It's no problem so...”

“You don't have to help me,” Juza said, and he turned his attention to the floor, “aren’t you tired? You can go back to bed if you are. I'll be fine on my own.”

Banri wasn't tired, and he didn't know if Juza was trying to get rid of him or if he honestly didn't want to keep him up. But he knew one thing: Hyodo was only pretending to be fine. Banri didn't like the idea of leaving him alone. He wanted to help him, if he did, maybe they could finally connect on the level he had always wanted. It wasn't like he hated Hyodo, and they got along well enough that he had always considered him a friend, but he wasn't sure Juza thought the same way. It bothered him. He at least wanted Hyodo to know that he would be there for him when it really mattered.

“I'm not going to leave you alone to do it by yourself,” he said sternly, “besides, you don't know First Aid and I do, you want it done right or you wanna mess up your hand even more?

Juza turned to face him. He seemed slightly confused for a moment but it faded and morphed into something Banri couldn't quite discern. He seldom knew what Juza was thinking half of the time, and that was just as true right now than it had ever been. He waited for some kind of grunt of approval, but he got nothing.

He sighed. “Come on then,” he said, and he carried the first aid kit with him as he walked towards the kitchen island, located between where he was right now and the main room.

He set it down on the marbled surface and pulled out a stool. He sat down and from here, he had a great view of the dorm's gigantic Christmas tree. He smiled. He remembered when they had all come together to decorate it. It had been the director's idea to have a party and 'Christmas-fy' the whole place. He and Hyodo had been paired up and they had gotten the duty of tree decorators along with a hyper Kazunari, a loud Misumi, a sleepy Hisoka, and a reluctant and grouchy Itaru; needless to say, there were complications and a lot of fighting over what and what did not go on a tree at Christmastime, as well as an incident with the tinsel he'd rather not remember, but in the end, the tree came out all right and Banri was glad he had helped. And even though the lights weren't shining on it right now, he thought it still looked very beautiful, not that he would ever say it out loud.

He looked back over at Juza and another memory from the party came rushing back to him. It was of that evening, after all the work was done and everyone was enjoying cups of vanilla hot chocolate Omi had made. He had been exhausted, so he'd decided to take his mug of hot chocolate up to his room. He hadn't thought he would find Hyodo already in there, lying on his bed and fast asleep. Hyodo had scarcely ever fallen asleep before him. He was always practising late into the night, long after he himself had played his game and passed out. So, he was surprised to see him like that. He had let himself walk over to him and when he peered down at his face, he remembered thinking that he looked so young and so perfect, and he had reached out and placed a hand on his cheek without even thinking.

He glanced down at that hand now and it was almost like it remembered what his skin had felt like, the smoothness of his cheek, the curves of his cheekbones when he had traced his fingertip over them. He had looked so peaceful then too. Banri found himself wanting to know _that_ Hyodo; the one who looked like a boy when he slept, the one who calmed a room when he baked, and the one who made his heart ache whenever he smiled.

Banri shook the memory of his sleeping face away. This wasn't the time for that. He opened the kit and took out the gauze and some mild disinfectant wipes. When he turned back to see if Juza was coming, he saw he hadn't moved yet. He was just looking down at his hand, at the pinkish burn mark and the face he was making was one Banri was unfamiliar with. If he had to describe it, maybe he'd say he looked lost. He didn't understand; was Hyodo seriously having a hard time accepting his help?

“Hyodo, get over here already, I don't have all night.” he said, waving the roll of gauze in the air. “Is it really so bad if I help?”

Juza's faced changed, and he slowly walked over and joined him. He no longer looked confused or sad or whatever that look from before was supposed to mean. “No, I was just thinking about something...” he said, and he took a seat.

“Okay...”

Banri wasn't going to ask for the details. Hyodo could keep his thoughts to himself for now. But he did wonder why Juza was acting so weird tonight. Was it really that much of a problem if he helped? Did Hyodo actually hate him, like for real? He honestly didn't know anymore. However, if Hyodo did hate him, then why would he come over, why not just get angry and tell him to piss off? Maybe he had accepted his help because he wanted to get closer, same as him. That wasn't the likeliest of answers, but Banri would take any chance he got, because if that was the case then it was possible Juza was looking for the same connection he was. Maybe Hyodo wanted someone to see him too. And if that was true, then Banri wanted to look at him. He wanted to look long enough and hard enough to see past his mask, all the way to the person underneath it.

He would figure Juza Hyodo out; even if it took all night.


	2. a secret once buried

Juza hadn't had an ideal night. Everything had gone perfectly at first, but as all good things do, it fell apart, and all way too fast. At the start of the night, everything had been great. After successfully sneaking out of his room, he had made it to the kitchen, he had made his cookies, and he had thought he would finish up before anybody discovered him, but then the last thing he had expected to happen, happened and subsequently, he was discovered by the last person he had wanted to see.

Initially, he had thought Banri, having done his duty attending to his burn and yelling at him for being dumb, would have left. Juza, however, had no such luck. Thus, he found himself in a predicament. The problem wasn't that Banri had caught him in the act, or that he had been watching him the whole time, no, the real issue was with the way Banri was acting tonight. His behaviour was different from normal, he was being unusually nice and offering him help and to anybody else that wouldn't be a big deal, but for Juza, it was a _very_ big deal. It was troublesome, because on his best day, he would describe what he felt for Banri as an attraction, and on the worst, he would admit to himself that it was in fact, a crush.

He hadn't known when his feelings for Banri developed, but he had liked guys in the past. He usually dealt with those crushes by avoiding the person whenever possible, however, with Banri, since they worked together, and they shared a room, that was proving tough. So the more time he spent with him, the worse his feelings got and because Banri was being uncharacteristically kind to him tonight, he was finding it hard to keep his feelings hidden.

He did not want Banri to know he had a crush on him; things had happened to him in the past, so he knew that nothing good would come of Banri finding out. It made him a bit scared to be alone with him, he felt like couldn't trust himself to guard his own heart, and he was wholly unprepared for Banri's sudden offer to help him bandage the burn on his hand.

Juza had tried to get rid of him when he had first announced he was helping, he attempted to persuade him to go back to bed, but it didn't work. For some reason Banri was dead set on helping him, and in the end, he had given in. How was he supposed to stay away when everything about the other boy drew him in? He was aware he was fighting a losing battle; nevertheless, he would do anything if it meant he could have a few quiet moments with him. And despite how overwhelming and nerve wracking it was, he was grateful for Banri's help and when he joined him at the kitchen island, he tried his best to keep his heartbeat steady.

Banri swivelled his stool around to face him the second that he sat down. He was right next to him, and up this close, Juza could see the Christmas lights that hung around the nearby window, reflected in his eyes and there was a faint smile on his lips. He certainly seemed happy to help but Juza wondered why. No reason he could think of came to mind, well, not one that would actually be plausible anyway. There was no way Banri felt the same as he did, no way his feelings would ever be returned.

He looked down at his hand to avoid staring too long at him. The burn on his hand had already turned a lighter red than before, but it still hurt. He looked back up to see that Banri was pulling out a wipe and in that very brief moment, he discovered something new about him. He had never noticed how fair his eyelashes were before. They were so light and pretty and Juza hated that he noticed such a small detail, but at the same time, he wanted to know more. He wanted to know what they looked like in the rain; were they darker then? Did they clump together in spikes? If he were to brush a fingertip against them right now, would they be soft like a feather? But it was only a second before Banri looked back up and Juza quickly adverted his gaze once more. He really didn't want it to seem like he was staring.

Banri, wipe in hand, didn't seem to notice. “Give me your hand.” he instructed.

Juza held his hand out, palm down, and once again his eyes flickered over the pinkish burn mark. It almost covered the back of his hand entirely, and he wondered how long it would take to heal, and if it would leave a scar, but he was quickly distracted from those thoughts when he felt Banri's fingers against his palm. They were cool and Juza's own fingers pressed into Banri's palm and when Banri curled his fingers around Juza's, he tried desperately not think about how they were pretty much holding hands.

Banri was about to touch the wipe to his skin but Juza wasn't ready yet. “Wait!” he said sharply, and Banri paused, “Just be careful, I’m... not good with pain.” 

“Huh, I thought you were used to stuff like this. Aren’t you always getting into fights?”

“I don't start them,” Juza huffed, “I don't enjoy fighting.”

Banri looked thoughtful. “So that's why you wouldn't fight me when we first met.”

Juza thought back to the first time he had ever seen him. He remembered thinking that Banri had an attractive face and that it'd be a shame to mess it up. He had beat him up of course, but he was careful, as he always was, to not injured him too badly, just enough to scare him off. The fact that he had come picking a fight hadn't surprised him at all, but when Banri came back a few weeks later and every day after that, always wanting to fight again, that made him a little curious. It was clear he possessed a drive of some sort and Juza had respected him for that. Thinking about it now, maybe they were similar in that regard. He didn't give up that easily either.

“That and other reasons.” he said. Banri arched an eyebrow but Juza wasn't about to elaborate. “Just hurry already, your hand is cold.” he said, glancing away.

“Okay okay, and I'll be gentle, it will only sting a bit.” Banri said, before pressing the wipe to the burn without warning.

“Ah!... that stings!” The pain which had been a steady dull sort of pain prior to one second ago, had increased tenfold.

“I said it would. Sorry but I have to clean it so just hang in there.”

“You could have warned me!” Juza said through gritted teeth.

“They say it hurts less if you're surprised.”

Juza winced. “Well whoever _they_ are, they're wrong.”

Banri swiftly cleaned around the edge of the burn. It hurt like a mother and Juza started at the logo on the first aid kit until the pain dulled. When he looked back at Banri, he saw he was trying to hold back a laugh. That little...

“What's so funny?” 

Banri let go of his hand, and he let out a laugh. But it didn't sound like his laugh, this laugh was soft and light, like a tune. It felt genuine and Juza just watched, too amazed to comment. How come this was the first time he had heard him laugh like this? He felt himself smile; it wasn't bad seeing this side of him.

“I'm sorry,” Banri said, quieting down, “it's just that if I had known you were such a baby, I wouldn't have tried to fight you.”

Juza didn't know what to say to that. Banri had insulted him before but this wasn't an insult really, Banri hadn't meant anything by it and Juza was at a loss. Normally, he would've told him to shut up, or he would've ignored him, but this was different. They've hardly ever spoken to each other like this. Actually, it was almost kinda nice.

“I'd still beat you in a fight regardless of the pain, so you're lucky I'm like this.” he said, not hiding the smile on his face.

“Whatever you say man...” Banri said lightly. Then his face grew serious, “but seriously, someday we're gonna have to actually fight you know. Like for real, just you and me, one-on-one to find out who is stronger once and for all.”

Juza knew what he meant. They had been locked in competition since the day they first met. For Juza, being better than others didn't really matter, but he was starting to think that maybe Banri felt differently. 

“Sure...” he replied. He didn't want to fight him again, but he doubted he could avoid it forever.

A silence hung in the air between them for a few moments before Banri dropped his gaze and Juza thought he was about to say something else, but he just wordlessly picked up the roll of gauze and turned his attention back to the task at hand. Banri's fingers were once again touching him as he rolled up the sleeve of his sweatshirt for him. A jolt shot through him when his cool fingers grazed the inside of his wrist, and he involuntarily flinched.

“That tickles.” he said.

Banri remained silent. He was wrapping his wrist in the gauze and eventually he reached the burned area, where he gently bandaged it up, not once pressing down too hard and then, without looking up, he finally spoke.

“You wanna know something...” he asked. His voice was so low that Juza could barely hear him.

“What?” he asked, using an equally soft voice.

“I don't want to compete with you anymore. Truthfully, I want to be more like you...”

Juza was surprised. Banri was speaking so quietly that he thought he hadn't heard him right at first, but judging by his posture, what he was saying wasn't a lie, and so, Juza kept quiet. He would hear him out.

Banri talked as he continued with the bandaging. “I only wanted to beat you in a fight because I thought it would be a challenge,” he said, “and because I thought that was all it took to be better than someone else. You met my friends before I came here. I had been hanging out with guys like that for a while and in my world if you kicked someone's ass, you were better than them and you deserved to call yourself a leader. But, when I met you and you beat me, I didn't know how to feel. It had never lost to anyone before, and then when you wouldn’t fight me again, I thought you were looking down on me.

I followed you here, and I was so shocked you were into acting. I got to thinking, maybe you weren’t looking down on me, maybe you just didn't think I was worth fighting. So, I joined the company. I was going to beat you at your own game, that way you would have to acknowledge me, but when I became the troupe leader and it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, you ended up helping me. 

I didn't know what to make of your drive and ambition, your need to put all you had into a role even though you weren't experienced, and it made me realize what I was lacking. The truth was; you were different from me. You had the things I lost long ago. It had been so long since I had to try at anything that I had come to believe everything was easy. But you proved me wrong. You didn't fight me, not because you didn't think I was worthy, it was because, unlike me, you didn't need to prove anything to anyone but yourself,” Banri, finished with the wrapping, clipped the bandage in place and looked up at him, “I admire that about you.” he said and at that moment his eyes were the most beautiful blue Juza had ever seen; they were like the darkening sky, brushed with purple evening clouds.

He had never known any of those things. Settsu never talked about stuff like this with him. It made him wonder why- why of all times did he decide to open up now? 

“Settsu are you okay?” he asked.

Banri looked down at his hands. “Huh... I'm fine.” he said unconvincingly, tucking a piece of his hair behind his ear.

His earrings glinted in the kitchen light and Juza was tempted to reach out and touch him. He wanted to place his hand over his and apologize to him for never noticing how he felt. He wanted to run his fingers through his hair and comfort him with words he's never spoken to anyone else. He was getting carried away, just like he had predicted he would, and he tried to calm down. He could not touch him, he shouldn’t even be looking at him. He knew that, so why was it suddenly so hard to ignore the fluttering in his stomach?

“It's just...” he started, but he wasn't sure what the right thing to say was, “why are you being so nice tonight? Usually, we would've already gotten into a fight by now and went to bed.”

Banri stood up and began packing up the first aid kit. “Maybe I'm just tired.” he said, and he sighed.

“I thought you weren’t sleepy.”

He laughed softly. “No, I mean I'm just tired of pretending with you. It takes a lot of energy to keep this up you know; always bickering with you, always wondering if you hate me or if we're friends. We act together, and we share a room, but we don't really hang out and I honestly don't know why I never talked to you like this until now. I should've just told you how I felt before.”

“So why did you tell me now?”

“I don't know, it's just like, when I saw you down here baking, I thought, here you are again, doing something I had no idea you were into and I realized that I don't even know you and then I couldn't figure out why that bothered me, but I think maybe I want to get to know you for real... like I want you to be able to trust me with stuff like being into baking or whatever.”

“Settsu, are you saying you want to be friends?”

“Um, well I guess so, but you don't have to say it like that.”

“Like what?”

“ _Fiends.”_ he mimicked, deepening his voice.

Juza laughed. “I don't sound like that!”

“You do though.” Banri stated, smiling.

They both looked at each other and a silent moment passed before they both burst out laughing. The tension that had always been present between them seemed to disappear and Juza was left feeling both relieved and a little uncomfortable. How was he supposed to be friends with Settsu when he knew what he felt for him would go far beyond that if he let it? Banri had opened up to him because he trusted him to accept his feelings and Juza didn't want to ruin a chance for them to get closer. He hadn't wanted to tell him his true feelings yet but maybe since Banri had talked, he could tell him some things too.

He watched Banri get up and put the first aid kit back where they had found it and Juza looked down at his hand. Banri had done a good job of bandaging it up and the pain was already weakening. He wouldn't forget this, them talking like friends in the kitchen, and he thought it might be nice to make more memories with him, so he got up and joined him in the kitchen.

He hovered near the fridge and tried his best to look casual. “I wasn't going to tell you, but I put extra batter in the fridge.” he said.

Banri came up to him. “I know, I was watching.”

“Right.” he had forgotten, “Anyway, I was going to wait until you left to make more cookies, but now that I think about it, _this_ ,” he held up his injured hand, “might make it hard to do that so--”

“I can help you.” Banri interrupted.

“Yes, I was getting to that. So yeah, wanna help me cut out more, and maybe they'll actually make it to the oven this time.”

Banri dropped his eyes and Juza panicked for a second. He hoped he wasn't considering saying no, he really wanted to make more, and with him this time. Then Banri looked back up.

“Sure.” he said, “I mean, I could help...because you're injured, not because I want cookies or anything...”

Juza gasped. “Oh my god, you just want to eat them! And here I thought you wanted to help me because we're friends now!”

Banri crossed his arms. “Well they smelled pretty damn good before you threw them all over the floor!” he exclaimed.

Juza stepped towards him. “I didn't throw them! They fell because I burned myself!” he said, and he waved his injured had in front of Banri's face to prove his point.

Banri caught his wrist. His face was a mask of concern. “Be careful, you wanna hurt it even more?”

Juza paused at the genuine worry in Banri's voice and at his touch. “No, I wouldn't want that...” he said, and he pulled his arm free.

Then he swung around and opened the fridge. He eyed the bowl of the unused batter and, with his good hand, he took it out of the fridge. There wasn't a lot of it left, but it was enough for about half a dozen cookies. He set the bowl down on the counter and pointed to the cupboard above the stove. “I put the cookie cutters back in that cupboard.” he said to Banri.

Banri nodded and moved to go get them.

Juza turned the oven on to preheat it, and then he dug out another cookie sheet from under the sink counter and placed it next to the bowl. The back of his hand pained, and he winced. Banri must have noticed it because when he looked over, there was a hint of worry in his eyes. He really didn't have to be so concerned.

Juza gave him a smile, “And so we're clear, when I say 'help me cut out the cookies', I mean you have to do it all by yourself, because I'm injured, and can only really watch.”

Banri laughed lightly, “I figured that out already.”

Banri placed the gingerbread-men shaped cookie cutters down on the counter. He opened the bag of flour and found the rolling pin and some wax paper. He ripped a sheet of the paper and plopped the brown blob of dough onto it. Then he sprinkled the rolling pin with the flour and began rolling the mixture.

Juza bent over and rested his arms on the edge of the counter. He looked up at Banri and watched him silently. Banri looked so focused on his task and Juza couldn't remember ever seeing him looking so at ease. He was never this calm around him previously. Even in their room they tended to stay away from each other and yet, right now, here he was, cutting out cookies. There was something so surreal about the situation and Juza couldn't help his thoughts, or his eyes, from wandering.

Banri was without a doubt beautiful. He wasn't delicate and pretty in the way a girl was, he was more like an uncut diamond; rough around the edges but no less dazzling and Juza liked that. In fact, he liked most things about him; like the sandy colour of his hair, the clothes he wore, his piercings, the scent of his shampoo, the slight way his upper lip curved. The way he tied his hair back when they exercised together, and his slender fingers. Juza had discovered these things over time, but he'd never let himself imagine anything like what he was imagining now. Was his hair as soft as it looked? Was his skin warm to the touch? If he were to kiss him right now, what kind of face would he make?

Juza knew he was in dangerous territory. He knew he was letting his eyes linger too long on Banri's lips, he knew he was getting too carried away again, but it was so hard to resist something when it was right in front of you. 

Suddenly, Banri glanced over at him and for a heart-stopping moment, Juza worried that he had seen him staring.

“You can at least press them into the dough, can't you?” he said, waving the cookie cutter in the air.

Juza released the breath he had been holding. “It's fine. I'd rather just watch.” he answered.

Banri's eyes narrowed, “Okay...”

Juza registered the questioning look, but he wasn't sure if he should elaborate or not. He straightened up and his eyes wandered towards the main room. They caught on the Christmas tree in the corner, and he thought back to when he had decorated it with Banri. He remembered the way his hand had bumped against Banri's when they were both reaching up to place an ornament at the same time. To Banri, that moment was just as ordinary as any other, but to him, even something as mundane as that had made his heart hurt. If only he could be with him. If only he were braver.

His gaze slipped back to Banri. He was looking down and placing the six cookies onto the baking sheet, and his hair had fallen forward, hiding his profile from view, and Juza wanted so much to tell him how he felt. He could feel a physical pain in his chest at his own cowardice, but even as his heart protested, his brain reminded him of why he must keep it hidden; he had learned once before that nothing good ever came of opening his heart to anyone. It was like his mind was protecting him and Juza, no matter how much he wanted to, just couldn't do it.

Banri looked over at him. His eyes were bright, and Juza knew that there was no way Banri could ever return his feelings; not when his feelings were so strong, it made it hard just being around him. He knew he had to let it go someday; this hopeless fantasy of being with him, but for now, he wanted to make the most of the time they had.

“Okay, how long do these go on for?” Banri asked.

Juza had been so lost in thought that he couldn't remember, and it took a little longer than normal to spit out the answer.

“Oh, uh... ten minutes, no, wait... thirteen.” he said, giving Banri a weak smile.

Banri eyed him skeptically. “Are you okay?”

Juza swallowed hard. “I'm just nervous. I'm worried you'll drop the cookies.”

There was a long pause and Juza worried about what he would say if he decided to ask him point-blank what the problem really was. But then Banri smirked. 

“Unlike you, I know what I'm doing.” he boasted, “See,” he made a show of slipping on the oven mitts, “I don't want my hand ending up like yours. What would the director say if we showed up to rehearsal with matching burns?”

Juza's uneasiness faded, and he felt some of the tension in his body drain away. He was grateful Banri hadn't pressed the issue. “She'd ask us so many questions we couldn't answer.” he said.

“Right. No way we could explain to her what we were doing right now without it seriously damaging our image.” he said, and he grabbed hold of the pan of cookies.

Juza moved back as Banri carefully opened the oven door and slid the cookies in. He closed it and discarding the oven mitts, he pulled out his phone and set the timer.

“So now we wait.” he said, returning his phone back inside his hoodie pocket.

“Yeah...”

There was a few moments of awkward silence and Juza looked down at his feet, he wasn't sure what to do now that cookies were in.

“Should we wait down here for them?” Banri asked, abruptly breaking the uncomfortable quiet.

“I guess...”

Banri sighed. “Lets go wait over on the couch, I'm getting tired and I need to crash.”

Juza looked down at his bandaged hand and it reminded of how much Banri had already done for him tonight. Maybe it was wrong to make him wait up?

“You don't have to wait with me,” he said, “you can go and sleep if you're that tired.”

Something flashed in Banri's eyes, “I said I was _getting_ tired not that I _am_ tired,” he said, and he sounded upset, “besides, I plan on having one of your cookies before I hit the sack.”

“But you already--”

Juza didn't get to finish what he was saying. Banri had grabbed him by the sleeve, and he suddenly found himself being dragged towards the living room. Then, the next thing he knew, he was pushed down onto the couch, and a cushion was thrown in his direction. Instinctively, he put up his hand to catch it, and he winced when it connected with his injured hand.

“Ow! You-” he looked up and instantly shut his mouth. Banri was staring down at him, eyebrows knit together. His eyes were a deeper blue in the low light of the room but there was no mistaking his expression; he was definitely mad. “Um, Sett-”

“Sit there and be quiet,” Banri interrupted, and crossed his arms, “there is something I want to ask you. I was going to be nice about it. I was going to chill here with you on the couch, maybe grab a blanket, and work my up to it, but you are honestly so dense!”

He let out an exasperated sigh, “Look, I might be wrong, but it's been bothering me for a while now, so I'm going to make both our lives easier and just ask because it's been driving me crazy...” he sat down on the coffee table.

Banri was eye level with him now and Juza's whole body tensed up upon seeing the look in his eyes. Anxiety swirled in the pit of his stomach, and he gripped the cushion in his lap as his heart hammered in his chest. A feeling of fear and dread crept up from somewhere he had forgotten about; he knew what that look in Banri's eyes meant. He had seen it before; though he wished he'd hadn't.

His mind went back in time, back to a white bathroom stall, to a boy with green eyes and a cruel smile. He recalled the words they had exchanged and all the taunting and teasing that had come after them, and he felt like his heart was breaking all over again. He didn't want to remember that time, he had pushed those memories away a long time ago, but now, now Banri was about to ruin everything. Juza opened his mouth to tell him to stop, but...

“Do you like me?” Banri asked him, and the panic set it.

The room seemed to shrink. Banri's words repeated themselves inside his head, digging up the things he had buried long ago. Things from his childhood he had never wanted to be reminded of, came rushing back in detail. The name-calling, the threats, the faces of the kids who would pick on him, and the bruises that they left.

He could never tell Banri how he felt, there was no way he could, not when there was a chance of being rejected, of having to relive the same memories that haunted him even now. He wanted to answer yes, he wanted him to know just how much he cared about him, but the more the question played in his mind, the less certain he became.

“Don't...” he said. It surprised him when his voice came out as a shaky whisper. He held the cushion tighter, “please don't ask me that.”

He was saying it more to himself than to Banri. He had never wanted to hear that question spoken in his voice. He didn't know how to properly answer him. He didn't want to lie to him, but he didn't know how Banri would feel if he told him the truth. He feared the worst, that Banri would hate him, that he wouldn't want to act with him anymore. He knew it was irrational, but that was how he felt. It was like the whole room was tipping, and he was loosing his balance, his blood rushed in his ears, and he could feel himself giving into his panic.

“Hey, don't squeeze it like that!”

Banri's voice sounded far away, but it made Juza pause. Why did he sound so frightened? He looked up at him and met his eyes, and he saw the alarm on his face.

“The cushion! You're crushing it. Your hand...”

Juza blinked. He glanced down at the cushion in his hands and immediately, he was aware of the stinging pain in his hand, it shot up his through his wrist and made his bones ache. It really, really hurt. He had been gripping the cushion so hard, it had agitated the burn on his hand, but how had he not known he was doing it?

“Give it to me.” Banri said, his voice was startlingly kind.

Then the pillow was yanked away from Juza so fast he had no time to make sense of it happening, and he hadn't had time to form a sentence before Banri got up and plopped down next to him. Juza knew he still had to say something, but he didn't know what.

“Um, about...” he started.

Banri kicked his slippered feet up on the table and funnily enough, Juza noticed that those were his slippers. They were red with reindeer's on them and had little bells that hardly jingled anymore. He never said Settsu could wear them, that guy...

Banri pulled out his phone. “You want to play a game on my phone?” he asked, “I just downloaded a new one; it takes two people to play, and even I'm not that good at it yet, so you'll have a chance to beat me.”

“Wait, what?” Juza was confused. Did Banri not want his answer anymore?

Banri waved the phone in front of his face. “A game. _Y_ _ou know,_ something people do to have fun.” he said.

Juza tried to catch Banri's eye, but he was looking down at his screen. “I know what a game is” he huffed, “what I don't know is why-” he stopped.

The second the words were out of his mouth, it clicked. Settsu was trying to distract him. He must have known how hard it was to answer that question. Juza had asked him to stop, and amazingly, he had listened. This struck him as strange. That Banri of all people would care about him like that made him both happy and confused. Again, he wondered what was up with Banri tonight. Here they both were, sitting side by side on the couch, not arguing or bickering, just relaxing, and Juza had always wanted something like this, but he had been too afraid to confront his feelings.

He looked over at Banri. How had he never noticed how kind he was? How could he have missed the most important thing? Before tonight, before talking to him like a friend, he hadn't known just how patient he was, just how caring and gentle he could be. Settsu had helped him tonight because he was a good person, and for the first time, Juza wondered if there wasn't something more to it.

Banri was typing on his phone and saying something about rules, but Juza wasn't paying attention anymore. He was deep in thought as something new tugged at his heart. He didn't know what it was, but it felt warm and important. It gave him the courage to entertain the idea that had come into his mind. He thought that, maybe, just maybe, it would be okay to open up to Banri. Maybe, it would be all right to let him know about the things he kept hidden inside.

If it was Banri, maybe he could finally tell someone how he felt.


	3. a light in the dark

Banri had made a terrible mistake. He hadn't been thinking clearly when he asked Juza that question. He had only been thinking of himself, and not until he blurted it out, did he see how much of a big deal it had been.

Juza had stiffened the second he'd asked it. He looked as if he had seen a ghost, his eyes had been wide with fear and it was like he just checked out for a second. Banri hadn't expected that type of reaction, he had thought Juza would've laughed it off or said no and changed the subject.

But that didn't happen, and Banri had gotten scared, his words had never hurt someone like that before, and he didn't know what to do. He had wanted Juza to open up to him, but he was afraid that now, he had ruined his chance. All because he didn't consider Juza's feelings at all.

All night long he had been watching Juza; watching him as he baked, watching him glance up at him, only to look the other way. He noticed the subtle way his posture changed whenever he got too close to him. He had seen the way he reacted to his touch, and in the end, Banri had formed a conclusion.

It was an assumption based on intuition alone, and he should have been more careful in bringing up a subject that was so private. But after connecting with Juza, after laughing with him in the kitchen and opening up to him, he had wanted more and more for his conclusion to be true. He had really wanted to know if Juza liked him in the same way that boys liked girls.

Banri had always hoped that one day he could be close to him, so if he was right, he had wanted to know. Being around him tonight had made his feeling grow stronger and when he realized there might be a chance with him, he had been willing to risk it and ask. But he was only thinking of himself when he did it, only thinking of what it would mean for him if Juza said yes.

It would've meant that he wouldn't have to be alone anymore, he wouldn't have to hide his feelings from him. He wouldn't have to feel guilty every time he glimpsed a part of him he wasn't meant to see. He would finally be able to reach out and touch him and tell him how badly he had always wanted to be held by him. But all of his hope shattered when Juza didn't answer. When he went so still and gripped the cushion too tight, Banri had been shaken. His question had done something horrible to Juza, and he couldn't imagine what was going through his head.

Banri knew then that he had breached some kind of wall between them. For the second time that night, he had seen something he wasn't supposed to, and Juza had made it clear that he was not interested in talking about it. And although Banri had felt disappointed, he was way more concerned.

He had hurt him somehow, and he didn't know what to say to help. He didn't know if confessing his own feelings would make it better or worse so instead; he did the only thing he could think of. He proposed a game.

He knew that Juza might feel uncomfortable, and he probably had no idea what to say, so Banri decided to try to cut the tension in the room with a game. Games always helped him take his mind off things, so he figured maybe it would help Juza too. He had to do something. And now he was explaining the rules to him, but he realized that Hyodo wasn't even paying attention.

“Are you even listening?” he asked him.

Juza turned to look at him and it shocked Banri to see that he was smiling. There seemed to be a mixture of relief and sadness in that smile and Banri seriously didn't know what he was about to say.

“It's fine, you don't have to distract me.” he said, and his voice was as gentle as he had ever heard it.

“What are you talking about?”

“I'm not as dense as you think I am. But it's okay, I think... I think I want you to know.”

Banri put his phone down. He swung his legs off of the coffee table and sat cross-legged on the couch, and he turned so his body was facing Juza.

“Want me to know what?” he said, and he spoke it softly, like a prayer. He really wanted Juza to trust him, he needed to know how he felt.

Juza looked at him and his eyes held in them a sadness, the likes of which Banri had never seen before. It made Banri feel ten times worse than he already did.

Juza let out a shaky breath and then he spoke. “When I was in my last year of elementary school, a boy I had a crush on invited me to one of his practice games. He played soccer, and I thought he was cool and funny, so I went. I watched him play and I remember being so happy that he had thought to invite me. We weren't really friends, so I thought him thinking of me meant he liked me back.

After the game, he came up to me and said he wanted me to wait for him by the park bathroom. I was so nervous waiting there by myself. I was so sure he was going to confess to me. I must not have realized how long I'd been waiting for, because by the time he arrived, it was getting dark. But that didn't matter to me. The minute I saw him, I got butterflies. He smiled at me, and he took my hand. He led me into a stall, and he said, 'do you like me' and I had never felt so happy in my life.” he paused and his eyes dropped to study his hands, “ I told him I liked him and he stepped closer to me and I thought for sure he was about to kiss me... but he didn't. He leaned in and whispered in my ear instead. He told me I was disgusting, that boys were only supposed to like girls and that I should do him a favour and never look at him again.” he clenched his fist, “He left, and I was so shocked, and my stomach hurt so much that I stayed in the bathroom so long my parents had to come get me. I thought that was the worst day of my life; until I went back to school.

Apparently he had told everyone that I liked him. I was so scared, I didn't want people knowing something like that about me. I didn't have any friends, so I was all alone, and when the bullying began, I didn't want to tell my parents because that would mean telling them I liked boys, and that terrified me even more. I feared they’d reject me as their son, just like he had.

Eventually I learned to defend myself, I didn't like fighting, but it made them stop. The first time I punched someone I was shaking so bad, but after the guy ran off, I felt stronger, like I had stuck up for myself.”

Juza looked up and his eyes were calmer than before, “So ever since I was a kid, I've hidden my feelings because I was afraid. So when you asked me the same thing as he did, I sort of remembered all of that and I didn't think I wanted to talk about it but,“ his eyes flicked down to his bandaged hand, then back up, “I trust you and I wanted you to know.” he said and Banri felt his heart swell with too many emotions to name.

He hated that he had made Juza remember all of that, but at the same time he could notice the change in his posture. He looked like he had finally calmed down. He had said his piece and Banri, after hearing his words, felt like he understood him better. Juza had a gentle soul, but he was always covering it up and hiding it behind his tough exterior, and Banri understood that better than anyone.

“I didn't know any of that...your past... I'm sorry... ” 

“Yeah. I was heartbroken and lost and ever since that day in the bathroom, I've been too scared to tell the people I care about how I feel.”

Banri got it now, it wasn't that Juza didn't like him, it was that he had been too afraid of how he felt. But he had told him about his past regardless, he had trusted him and amidst all the things Banri was feeling right now, there was something that he knew for sure. He wanted to fix all of this, he wanted Juza to know he wasn't like that boy. He wanted him to know, that if he told him his feelings, he wouldn't reject them.

A thought occurred to him then. “Why don't you ask me this time?” he said, voicing it without hesitation.

Juza looked confused. “ Ask you what?”

“You know...” he said, and he knew Juza understood.

They shared a look, and Juza made a face that conveyed his surprise, his shock and his fear about the request. But he definitely got what Banri had meant.

“W-Why would...”

Banri smiled at him. “Just ask me.” he spoke calmly, “You can trust me.”

He took in the light blush on Juza's cheeks, and he wondered if this whole night had been leading to this very moment. Juza looked apprehensive, and Banri completely understood that. He wasn't going to make him ask, he wasn't going to push him this time. Instead, he would wait until Juza was ready.

After a silent minute had passed, Juza turned to face him. His golden eyes were aglow and when he finally spoke, his voice was clear.

“Do you like me?” he asked.

Banri's heart did a flip. Even though he'd known it was coming, that question, spoken in his deep voice, made him feel like something special was about to happen. And he wanted that now more than ever before. His chance was now, and he was not going to miss it.

Slowly, he placed a hand on Juza's shoulder, and he leaned in close to him. He let his mouth hover above Juza's and when Juza didn't move, he knew everything was finally going to be okay.

“I do.” he whispered, and he closed his eyes and kissed him as gently as he could.

Juza's mouth softened against his and the sensation of his lips was unlike anything he had ever felt in his life. It was wonderful and amazing, and he had no intention of ever pulling away; not from Hyodo, not from his warmth and his scent and his strength.

A warm hand touched his cheek, and then Juza was consuming him. He was utterly helpless against the passion in his kiss, and he melted into him the way sugar dissolves in water. He surrendered to him, letting him control him as he liked and Juza kissed him hotly, as if pure flame burned beneath his skin.

Banri ached with desire. He reached out and ran his fingers through violet hair, bringing Juza in even closer. The kiss deepened, and he felt something wet graze his bottom lip. He gasped at the jolt it sent through him and then Juza's tongue was in his mouth, stealing the breath from his lungs.

He felt dizzy and excited, but also a little scared. Juza was overwhelming him. It felt good, but he wasn't sure how much more he could take. He felt a hand on his back, and he was pushed down onto the couch. His pulse quickened. Juza was on top of him, his hand was on his chest and then lips brushed his neck. It was all too much, too fast. He felt like he was falling, and he wanted it to stop.

“Wait, Hyodo, sto--”

The sound of the timer cut him off. It rang out loudly into the quiet of the night and Juza seemed startled, though Banri wasn't sure if it was from the sudden noise or from what he had just said.

Juza sat up and Banri rushed to get his phone. His hands shook, and he almost dropped it, but he managed to click off the timer. He looked over at Juza and froze.

Juza's face was a mask, his eyes looked like tarnished gold in the room's darkness. “I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have--”

Banri felt a prick of pain in his chest. “No!” he said, a little too loudly. “Don't apologize. I didn't hate it, you just took me by surprise...you know, suddenly pushing me down like that...”

Juza's eyes drifted over to the Christmas tree. “It's just...” there was a long pause and then, “I've liked you for a really long time now. Ever since I met you actually.”

Banri's cheeks burned hot. “D-don’t say it so calmly like that!” he said, and he looked down at his lap in an attempt to hide his blushing face. There was another pause and then, fingers were under his chin, lifting his face up.

“But it's true.” Juza said, “I've always wanted to tell you that, but I never had the courage. So, thank you for helping me and not pushing me away. It means more than you know.”

Banri's heart was racing now, and he quickly diverted his gaze away from that piercing stare.

“Well...I’ve always liked you too, so there.” he said, and then he swiftly rose from the couch. “I need to go take the cookies out of the oven before they burn.” he said, and he practically speed-walked back to the kitchen.

When he heard Juza following him, he honestly had no idea what to do. Everything had happened in an instant, but at the same time, it had felt like forever. They had kissed, and it was lovely, but now... apparently Hyodo had always liked him. What was he supposed to do with that? This whole time they had been keeping the same secret and now that it was out...

Ugh, he just wanted to be with him! He had known that much already, and he hoped Juza wanted to be with him too. However, even if nothing came of the kiss they'd shared, he would always have the memory of tonight. He would never forget the feeling of happiness that washed over him when Juza had kissed him back. They had finally connected in the way that he had always wanted.

And in the end, that would be good enough for him.


	4. a memory so precious

The smell of gingerbread filled the whole kitchen and made Juza's mouth water. He watched Banri place perfectly browned cookies onto the plate that was set on the counter before him, and he noticed that Banri's cheeks were a little pink. He wondered if it was from the heat of the oven, or perhaps it was from what he had told him earlier.

He had finally confessed to him, and it hadn't been scary at all. He hadn't regretted it and it didn't leave him feeling unsure. This surprised him, but he was getting used to things not happening like he had imagined they would. He had been so wrong to ever ignore his feelings for Banri, he knew now that they weren't something to hide. He had most likely always known that, but somewhere along the way he had forgotten it. Banri had accepted him and most surprising of all, he had kissed him.

Juza recalled the memory of that kiss now as he watched Banri clean up. He thought back to the seconds before it, when his heart had been beating so fast he was certain Banri could hear it. He had been nervous and afraid, but he hadn't felt like pushing him away, so, when Banri gave him the chance to resist, he didn't take it, and the instant they connected, he knew it had been the right choice.

He could still feel the pressure of his mouth against his and the warmth of his breath. It had felt so good, he thought he was in a dream, but even a dream couldn't compare to the heat of his flesh or the taste of his mouth. Juza had gotten swept up in that kiss. After such a long time of wanting him, of wishing for his touch, the urge to have him grew so strong that he couldn't hold it back.

He had kissed him back with everything he had. He had put all of his fears and his anxieties into that kiss, all of his insecurities and doubts, and Banri had taken them all and turned them into something beautiful. The pain from his past had turned into hope for the future. His fear of being rejected had been replaced by the knowledge that Banri truly wanted him. He could feel it in the way he kissed, in the way his fingers threaded in his hair and when Banri had melted into him, it was as if a dam had been broken and everything inside him had poured out all at once.

He had never wanted anything as badly as he had wanted Banri then. It was like a hunger that ran bone deep, an aching desire to be with him, and his body had moved on its own. He had been powerless to stop it, and even now, he feared what would've happened if the cookies didn't beep when they did.

Looking at him now, Juza was sure Banri had been telling the truth when he said he hadn't minded. He looked happier than he had seen him all night. He even knew it was true that all this time Banri had felt the same way he did. Though, it was strange to think about. As he watched Banri wipe the counters, he knew one thing for certain; all of that wasted time would have to be made up for.

He peeled his eyes away from Banri, and they settled on the plate before him. The cookies looked so good, and he reached out to get one, but Banri came out of left field and slapped his hand away.

“They're hot idiot, you wanna burn your other hand this time?” he said, “They're still cooling.”

“But they smell so good.” he argued. The entire kitchen smelled like cinnamon and ginger and those cookies were just staring up at him askin' to be eaten. And he would have eaten one too, if it weren't for the glare he was receiving from Banri. He put his hands up in surrender. “Okay, I’ll wait.” he said, and Banri eyed him suspiciously.

He moved to take his apron off, and he wondered if he could sneak one while Banri wasn't looking...

“And don't try taking one when I'm not looking. I know you Hyodo, you're ruthless when it comes to sweets.” Banri stated.

Juza hung up his apron and stared at him. How had he known what he was thinking? He guessed it really was true that Banri had been watching him for a lot longer than he had initially thought. Although, he still wondered if his feelings were as strong as his own. So when Banri came back over, he decided to just ask. He wasn't going to assume things anymore.

“So, you and me...” he started, but he didn't really know how to ask properly.

Banri ran a hand through his hair and it made it stick up a little. “Yeah, you and me...”

“Um, so, you like me back, right?”

Banri looked surprised. “Didn't I already say I did, don't make me repeat it. It's embarrassing,” he said, then he glanced away, “and just so you know, I don't think there is anything wrong with us liking each other.”

Juza agreed. For a long time he had hidden that part of himself, but not anymore. He didn't feel as afraid anymore, not like in the past, and he knew he didn't want to keep things the same between them. Banri had taken the time to listen to him and to help him, and he knew that if Banri hadn't made the first move, they'd probably still be secretly pining for each other. He was grateful to him, and he sure as hell didn't want him slipping away. So he gathered his confidence, and he took a step closer to him.

“Did you wanna, like, start dating, maybe...” he asked, trying his best to sound normal.

Banri looked a little shocked and Juza worried he had misunderstood his words, until the shock turned into something else and a smile appeared on his face. Juza couldn't help but think that he was ten times more attractive when he smiled. And when Banri stepped towards him, he didn't move back and somehow, he found himself wrapped up in his arms.

Banri held him and whispered into his ear. “I would, Hyodo. I would like to date you if that's all right.” he said, and Juza felt the heat of him and wanted nothing more than to stay like this forever.

He held him tightly and smiled. “It's all right.” he said, and Banri squeezed him tighter.

They held each other for a minute until Banri pulled away with a smile on his face. “I think we can eat the cookies now.” he said.

That was music to Juza's ears. He quickly moved over to the plate of cookies, and he picked one up. Banri joined him and got one too, and they ate them together. The moment Juza bit into his, his mouth was filled with sugary, spicy sweetness. They were delicious, and he was glad they had turned out.

“These are good.” Banri said.

Juza nodded. “Should we take them upstairs? Or maybe we should go back to the living room...”

He didn't want this night to end yet. The cookies were done now, but he still wasn't very tired, and he wanted to talk more with Banri.

Banri picked up the plate. “Let's eat them over there,” he said, pointing to the couch.

Juza nodded and followed him back to the couch and when he sat down, he couldn’t help thinking of it as the couch where he'd had his first kiss. Now every time he sat here he would think about it. He worried that might make things awkward in the future, but he still wouldn't give up that memory for anything.

Banri set the plate down on the coffee table and sat down beside him. His shoulder bumped against his when he reached out to take a cookie, and Juza didn't know if he should put his arm around him or not. So, he just reached out to grab another cookie too.

They ate in a somewhat comfortable silence until Banri spoke. “So, why were you making these anyway?” he asked.

Juza bit his lip. “Um, I can't tell you.” he said.

Banri turned to sit sideways on the couch. “What! Come on, I helped you make them remember.”

“Hmm...”

Banri didn't look pleased. “What's 'hmm' I deserve to know, and I can tell this isn’t some big thing, so just tell me.” he pleaded, and he placed a hand on Juza's knee.

Juza couldn't say no to him, not when his hand was so warm, not when he was looking at him like that.

He sighed. “Fine. I was practising. I wanted to make these for everyone at Christmas. Also, I had never baked before, so I thought it best to wait until no one was around.” he explained.

“So, you were only hiding because it was supposed to be a surprise?”

Juza looked down at his half-eaten cookie. “Well, that's true to an extent, but I also didn't want anyone seeing me because of my image. It's not like I think anyone will judge me, it's more,” he paused, “I don't really know how to put it. I guess it's like when I think about Taichi. He really thinks I'm cool and manly and even though I don't feel that way, I don't want him to one day realize I'm not who he thought I was.”

Banri shifted a little. “You don't want to let people down.” he said.

Juza nodded. “Exactly.”

Banri looked down at his hands. “I get that. I'm the same way. I'm good at everything so people just assume I can do anything in no time at all, but the reality is, I have to put time into learning things, just like everyone else. Sure I take less time to get the hang of things than other people do, but I do have to try. I hide that fact because I think if they see me trying too hard, they'll know I'm not perfect.”

Juza wasn't surprised. He picked up another cookie and causally popped it into his mouth. “I've seen you practising before, when you thought nobody was around.” he said with his mouth full.

Banri's eyes widened. “Huh? You did!”

Juza swallowed the cookie before answering. “In that park by the station. You go there and practice in the tunnel under the bridge. That's why I didn't say anything when you told me you were watching me earlier. It wouldn't have been fair to get mad at you when I did the same once.”

Banri made a face. “You were watching me huh... Well, I once saw you at that fancy bakery you think nobody knows about because it's run by the leader of that gang from France. My friend knows that guy, and he told me all about the tough-looking, purple haired kid with golden eyes. I dropped by once and saw you in there scarfing down three crêpes and two parfaits!”

Juza gasped. He had thought nobody knew about that place! He turned on the couch so he was face-to-face with him. “Well those were damn good parfaits. But guess what? I can hear you whispering lines to yourself before bed. The first time I thought it was cute, but it got annoying real fast, you should probably stop doing it.”

Banri blinked. “Well I passed by your school one day and you were all alone. It was clear you thought nobody was around because you pulled out your not-so-secret stash of Kamebuns, and devoured ten of them in under five minutes. I know, I counted.”

“' _'O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo_ ', that's what you said in the shower once. I laughed so hard I almost died.”

Banri's mouth fell open in shock. “I did _not_ say that!” he protested, as his cheeks turned pink.

Juza thought he looked cute when he was mad. “Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. Who's to say?” he teased.

Banri let out a breath. “Okay, okay. I get it. We've both been weirdly stalking each other this whole time. Let's not make it any creepier by continuing.” he said.

They shared a look and a smile, and then they both cracked up with laughter. Juza tried to muffle his laughter with his hand. It felt so good to laugh with Banri, he felt so lucky. They had always been watching each other and now, finally, they were together. Finally, they could laugh and joke with each other, they could hold each other and not be ashamed of wanting that closeness, and best off all, they could kiss without hesitation and that alone made everything he had gone through in his past worth it. Those horrible memories would always be a part of him, but now he had good ones to overwrite them with.

They laughed as quietly as they could until it died down and Banri's face grew serious.

“I never knew...” he said softly. His eyes held so many other untold stories and Juza wanted to hear every one of them.

He reached out and placed a hand over his. “Me neither.” he said.

Banri flipped his hand over and laced their fingers together. His hand was warm and a little rough and Juza leaned in instinctively. Banri met him halfway, and they shared a soft kiss before pulling apart. They smiled at each other and Juza decided right then to always be honest with him from now on. This night had changed him in ways he could've never imagined. He felt like he could finally be himself now.

Without letting go of Banri's hand, he got up off the couch, and pulled Banri up. “We should probably go back to bed.” he told him, “We're gonna be in trouble if the director finds us up this late.”

Banri glanced down at their intertwined hands before looking back up at him. “True, we do have school tomorrow.” he stated.

“Ah crap! I forgot. Tomorrow's Monday already.”

“Well technically, today is Monday since it's,” he pulled out his phone, “1:35 in the morning.”

Juza squeezed his hand. “Let's go then,” he said, and then he smiled, "even though I'm not tired at all and I want to spend all night talking to you.”

Banri smiled back at him. “Same.” he said, and the blue of his eyes seemed to glow.

Juza had always loved that colour and maybe, in some special part of his heart, he had known all along, that he had always loved Banri too. 

They turned off the lights and Juza took one last look at the kitchen before he followed Banri up the stairs. That kitchen would always hold a precious memory for him now. It would remind him of his past and of his future and most importantly, it would remind him to always stay true to himself.

And, as he felt a warmth spread from Banri's hand to his own, he thought to himself, that more and more, this place was beginning to feel like home.


End file.
